The Young Ones – Australia
by Hippie Mermaid
Summary: The boys win a holiday to the Gold Coast, Australia on a scratchie! What adventures are waiting to meet them in the land downunder? Maybe Rick gets an Aussie girlfriend, maybe the boys finally lose their virginity or maybe you should just read it...


**The Young Ones – Australia **

**By Hippie Mermaid**

**Fandom:** The Young Ones

**Genre:** Humour/Romance

**Rating: **T (sexual references, (including one particularly disturbing scene) violence, low level coarse language)

**Summary:** The boys win a holiday to the Gold Coast, Australia on a scratchie! What adventures are waiting to meet them in the land downunder? Maybe Rick gets an Aussie girlfriend, maybe the boys finally lose their virginity or maybe you should just read it...

**Disclaimer:** I don't own The Young Ones or any of its characters (oh yeah, that's right! Bugger!) – they belong the wonderful Rik Mayall, Ben Elton, Lise Mayer and probably some other people/corporations. I don't own The Young Ones theme song or "Need You Tonight" by INXS. However, I do own Samantha, this story and the poems that feature in this story (not that anyone would want to steal them) – yay! No profit has been gained from this work and I know this could never compare with the original show's level of greatness.

This was my very first TYO fanfic. It's written like a normal episode. My inspiration for this came when I was at the Gold Coast, January in 2004 and I began writing it in my exercise book, then I wrote the rest when I came back home. I imagined what it would be like if they were there and this is what I came up with. I hope it's okay.

**Opening song**

_Once in every lifetime_

_Comes a love like this_

_Oh, I need you_

_You need me_

_Oh my darling_

_Can't you see?_

_The Young Ones_

_Darling, we're The Young Ones_

_The Young Ones_

_Shouldn't be afraid_

_To live,_

_Love,_

_There's a song to be sung_

_Cause we may not be The Young Ones_

_Very long_

**Scene 1**

_The show starts with all four of them sitting round the table, looking bored. NEIL is scratching on a scratch card._

RICK: I mean really, Neil, I don't know why you bother doing that. As if you're ever gonna win anything. Stupid hippie.

NEIL: That's not true, Rick. The odds of me winning are just the same as anyone else.

_Silence_

NEIL: Hold on a second… Wait, it couldn't be. Could I? _Looks closer at the scratch card._ Oh my God. I won. Wow, I won! Guys, I won! I won! I actually really won! This is the most incredible thing the ever happened to me!

_NEIL is jumping up and down. _

MIKE: Sit down, Neil.

MIKE: Oh, right.

_NEIL sits down sadly._

RICK: Let me see that!

_RICK snatches the scratch card out of NEIL's hands._

RICK: You didn't win, you idiot!

MIKE: Hang on a minute, let me see that. I'll be the one to judge whether he won or not.

_RICK hands the scratch card to MIKE. _

MIKE: Actually, it looks as if he did win.

_Everyone gathers round excitedly._

VYVYAN: What he win?

MIKE: A trip to the Gold Coast in Queensland, Australia. Guys, it looks as though we're going to Australia!

RICK: Eww! Australia! Who'd wanna go there?

NEIL: Actually Rick, Australia's a very beautiful country. One of my cousins is Australian.

RICK: There you go again, disagreeing with me! God, you just can't help yourself, can you? You're always doing it just to spite me!

NEIL: That's not true, Rick.

RICK: See! See! You're doing it now!

MIKE: Look guys, guys. I think you'll agree that no matter where we're going, a holiday is a holiday. And we haven't had one for so long.

RICK: You're right about that.

_Sighs all round._

**Scene 2**

_The aeroplane is taking off._

VYVYAN's voice: Wow, that was quick!

RICK's voice: Well actually, Vyvyan, the writer was too lazy to say what happened in between, so we just skipped straight to this scene.

VYVYAN's voice: Oh.

**Scene 3**

_RICK is vomiting into a paper bag on the plane. _

RICK: I hate aeroplanes!

_VYVYAN grabs the bag and puts it upside down over RICK's head_

**Scene 4**

_The boys are leaving the airport. NEIL is few metres behind the rest of the group as he is carrying all the luggage without any help. He is struggling to keep up with them._

NEIL: Hey guys, wait up!

_The rest keep going, while VYVYAN stops, turns and goes up to NEIL. NEIL smiles because it looks like VYVYAN's going help him, but instead he puts RICK's vomit bag over NEIL's head and runs ahead._

**Scene 5**

_They arrive at the hotel. RICK and NEIL have big disgusting chunks of vomit through their hair. _

RICK: Really Vyvyan, you are disgusting!

_VYVYAN is still carrying RICK's vomit bag._

VYVYAN: Well, don't blame me! You're the one who decided to vomit into a paper bag!

RICK: Well it's not my fault! You know I get sick on aeroplanes!

_They walk into the bedroom._

RICK: Great! There's only one bed! Typical Australians!

MIKE: This is all we could afford, Rick.

NEIL: Oh no, guys! You know what this means, don't you? We're all gonna have to sleep in the same bed!

_Dramatic silence. The rest of the group look at him strangely._

NEIL: Or not. It's okay, I'll just sleep on the floor.

RICK: Well, the question now is, who gets to have the bed?

_MIKE, RICK and VYVYAN all stare at each other smiling for a while, then suddenly leap for the bed, fighting each other._

NEIL: Hey guys, guys, why don't we, like, take turns sleeping in the bed?

MIKE and VYVYAN and RICK: NO WAY!

RICK: You're sick, Neil! Just imagine what kind of diseases we'd catch off each other if we did that! Especially if you're sleeping in it, Neil! Eww!

MIKE: Rick is right! It's far too risky!

NEIL: _sadly_ It was just an idea.

MIKE: Well I think the bed rightfully should be mine. Think about it, what am I gonna do when I bring home the girls? Say, "Sorry, sweetheart, I haven't got a bed, but we can spend the night on the floor."

RICK and VYVYAN: Good point, yeah.

_RICK and VYVYAN get off the bed. MIKE jumps on the bed and lies back contently._

_Pause_

RICK: Oh God, it's so bloody hot here! I hate it!

_VYVYAN, RICK and NEIL are all completely red and are drenched in sweat._

NEIL: _panting_ Well, it is summer here at the moment. And the climate in Australia is very different to home - it's very hot and dry.

MIKE: You know what we should do? We should all go down to the beach!

VYVYAN and NEIL and RICK: Yeah!

**Scene 6 **

_The boys are at the beach. RICK is wearing g-string swimmer briefs, MIKE is wearing full swimmer briefs, and VYVYAN and NEIL are just wearing their normal clothes. MIKE is trying to chat up a girl in a skimpy bikini. NEIL is lying down while RICK and VYVYAN bury him beneath the sand. Eventually only his head remains above the earth. MIKE then returns back to the group after he is unsuccessful in getting the girl's attention. A beautiful lifeguard girl then approaches them. MIKE, VYVYAN and RICK immediately run off._

NEIL: Hey guys, guys. I can't move. Can you help me out?

_MIKE and RICK lye down in the surf, close their eyes and flap around like fish, so she'll think they are drowning._

Lifeguard Girl: _to VYVYAN_ Are your friends okay?

VYVYAN: They're fine. They're just pretending because they fancy you.

_Lifeguard girl walks away._

RICK: Vyvyan, you bastard! She could have given us mouth-to-mouth resuscitation!

VYVYAN: Well, if she did, that'll probably be the closest you'd ever get to doing it, virgin! Mind you, I think she'd rather let an ugly bastard like you die!

RICK: Ah, you're just jealous, Vyvyan, because all the girlies just LOVE me, and you want a piece of the action! _Does a thrusting motion with his crotch._

VYVYAN: What 'girlies', Rick? Who are these 'girlies' that you're always on about?

RICK: Uh… You know, there's hundreds of them… In fact, so many, I can't name them all right now…

VYVYAN:Virgin.

_Meanwhile, NEIL's entire body is still buried beneath the sand. His head is still sticking out of the sand as he pathetically sings The Partridge Family theme to himself. A seagull flutters near him._

NEIL: Hey Mr. Seagull, I don't mean to bother you, but can you please help me out?

_The Seagull flutters away. _

NEIL: Never mind.

_Three little kids, around the age of 5, approach him._

NEIL: Hey little kiddies, can you please help me out?

One of the little kids: Let's pick on the hippie!

_The little kids begin pulling his hair and kicking sand in his face. _

NEIL: Oh no, heavy! I'm being attacked by a vicious gang of 5-year-olds!

_Camera turns back to VYVYAN, MIKE and RICK. _

MIKE:_ Glancing in NEIL's direction _Oh look, Neil's found some friends to play with.

_You can hear NEIL's horrified screams coming from that direction._

NEIL: No, not in the eyes!

MIKE: So, guys, who's interested in a bit of surfing?

RICK: Ooh! Me!

**Scene 7**

_MIKE then is running forward with a surfboard tuck under his arm in slow motion, with surf music playing. This is followed by RICK doing the same thing. They dive into the surf and paddle out far to where all the people surf. MIKE begins surfing like a pro while RICK attempts surfing but falls off and drowns in a wave. He is rescued by a male lifeguard and pulled up to the shore, unconscious. The male lifeguard performs mouth-to-mouth resuscitation on him. RICK suddenly wakes up, screams and pushes the male lifeguard off him. He coughs and splutters._

RICK: Yuck! Yuck! …Oh God, where am I?

MIKE: You're in Australia

RICK: Ooh, am I? How did I end up here?

MIKE: It's a long story. But first, let's get you to the hotel.

**Scene 8**

_All the boys back at the hotel; RICK is completely blue and shivering with a blanket wrapped around him._

RICK: So c-c-cold…

VYVYAN: Well at least you're not dying of the heat anymore.

RICK: It's not fair! Why did the have to be the male lifeguard that gave me mouth-to-mouth resuscitation? Why couldn't it be that foxy little female lifeguard?

NEIL: Hey, I was just thinking…

RICK: Well there's a first time for everything.

NEIL: No, I was just thinking…

RICK: Well there's a first time for everything!

NEIL: Shut up, Rick! I'm trying to talk!

_RICK is very surprised and taken aback_

RICK: _sheepishly _Okay.

NEIL: Hey Rick, you know what this all means, don't you? It means you'll have to stay home sick and miss the entire holiday. What a shame…

_Silence_

NEIL: Anyway, we're going out. So, bye Rick!

RICK: You mean you're leaving me here, by myself?

_MIKE, VYVYAN and NEIL begin to walk towards the door._

RICK: I can't believe it! You bastards! You complete and utter bastards! Think about all the things I've done for you over the past years!

_Moment of thought_

VYVYAN: Can't think of anything… Anyway, see ya!

NEIL: Bye Rick!

MIKE: Bye! Have fun!

_They walk out the door, closing it behind them._

RICK: The selfish bastards!

**Scene 9 **

_MIKE, VYVYAN and NEIL are walking down the street. _

VYVYAN: So, where are we going anyway?

MIKE: Just to any nightclub we can find.

NEIL: Oh, good plan.

MIKE: Look, there's one!

_They walk into a nightclub called 'The Drunken Sailor' (weird name, I know!). 'Stayin' Alive' by the Bee Jees is playing (yay!). There's a multi-coloured chequered dance floor (I love those!) and on the other side of the room is a bar. The room is completely dark with flashing disco lights everywhere. _

NEIL: Woah, man.

_They walk over to the bar. _

MIKE: Hey, Dave!

_A big fat guy on a barstool turns round._

DAVE: Hey Mike! How ya doin'? Long time, no see!

MIKE: _Aussie accent for some strange reason_ Good ta see ya, mate!

_MIKE, VYVAN and NEIL sit down on barstools._

DAVE: _to bar man_ 2 shots of vodka for my friend Mike and I.

VYVYAN: I'll have a shot.

NEIL: Yeah, me too.

_Meanwhile, three girls are observing MIKE, NEIL and VYVYAN from afar and chatting excitedly._

STACEY: Oh my God! They must be Brits!

KATE: Check out those gorgeous British accents!

JANE: What a bunch of cuties!

_The camera turns to MIKE, VYVYAN and NEIL at the barstool. MIKE is looking at himself in his pocket mirror and practicing 'sexy' looks (but failing miserably) and muttering "Hey, baby" while VYVYAN downs his vodka, then burps and scratches his behind and NEIL waves away some flies that are buzzing around his head, then sniffs his sweatshirt and faints from the stench, falling off the barstool._

STACEY: That's it! I'm chatting the hippie up!

JANE: I'll have the punk.

KATE: I'll have the short, stylish one.

STACEY: Okay, deal. Let's go!

_STACEY sits down on the barstool next to NEIL. _

STACEY: Hi.

NEIL: Uh, hi.

STACEY: Wanna dance?

NEIL: _shocked that a girl is actually asking him to dance_ Oh, yeah, sure!

_KATE and JANE approach MIKE and VYVYAN. KATE stands before MIKE and JANE stands before VYVYAN. _

KATE and JANE: Hi! Wanna dance?

MIKE: _taking KATE's arm_ Sweetie, it would be my pleasure. Let Mikey show you his moves!

_MIKE leads KATE to the dance floor._

JANE: _to VYVYAN_ Well?

VYVYAN: Yeah, c'mon.

_VYVYAN and JANE walk towards the dance floor._

**Scene 10 **

_RICK is sitting at the hotel, looking really pathetic. _

RICK: Well at least I can catch up on some reading while they're not around.

_He pulls out a Cosmopolitan and a big, pervy smile spreads across his face. _

**Scene 11**

_Back at the nightclub. The background music has come to a stop as a man is talking into a microphone atop a stage. _

Man on stage: Tonight, kids, we have a very special treat for you. Please put your hands together for INXS!

_INXS appear on stage (yes, including the late, legendary Michael Hutchence. This is set in the eighties, remember?) and play "Need You Tonight". NEIL, MIKE and VYVYAN continue dancing with their partners while the music is playing. (This is the musical segment for the episode!) _

_Come over here_

_All you got is this moment_

_The 21st Century's yesterday_

_You can care all you want_

_Everybody does yeah that's okay_

_So slide over here_

_And give me a moment_

_You moves are so raw_

_I've got to let you know_

_I've got to let you know_

_You're one of my kind_

_I need you tonight cause I'm not sleeping_

_There's something about you girl_

_That makes me sweat_

_How do you feel_

_I'm lonely_

_What do you think_

_Can't think at all_

_Whatcha gonna do_

_Gonna live my life_

_So slide over here_

_And give me a moment_

_You moves are so raw_

_I've got to let you know_

_I've got to let you know_

_You're one of my kind_

_I need you tonight_

_Cause I'm not sleeping_

_There's something about you girl_

_That makes me sweat_

_How do you feel_

_I'm lonely_

_What do you think_

_Can't think at all_

_Whatcha gonna do_

_Gonna live my life_

_How do you feel_

_I'm lonely_

_What do you think_

_Can't think at all_

_Whatcha gonna do babe_

_Gonna live my life_

_So slide over here_

_And give me a moment_

_You moves are so raw_

_I've got to let you know_

_I've got to let you know_

_So slide over here_

_And give me a moment_

_I've got to let you know_

_I've got to let you know_

_You're one of my kind_

NEIL: So what's your name?

STACEY: Stacey. (I know, I know! It's the first name I could think of!) What's yours?

NEIL: Neil.

STACEY: Neil… That's beautiful, man. It reminds of all the suffering that animals and plants endure.

_Camera turns to VYVYAN and JANE. _

JANE: So Vyvyan, you won a trip to Australia with a scratch card?

VYVYAN: Yeah. How's that for a piece of luck?

_Camera turns to MIKE and KATE._

MIKE: Kate baby, where would I be without you? The night is radiant and so are you. We are star-crossed lovers, you and I. Destiny brought me here by winning that scratch card so we could be together… So, when are we gonna have it off?

_Camera turns to NEIL and STACEY._

STACEY: So do you wanna, like, leave?

NEIL: Oh, um, okay.

**Scene 12**

_The Morning. RICK is asleep on the couch at the hotel room, cuddling a Cosmopolitan. Suddenly, MIKE, VYVYAN and NEIL burst in laughing and cheering, arms waving and balloons flying in the air._

MIKE: Here's to us boys!

_MIKE opens a bottle of champagne and pours a glass for VYVYAN, NEIL and himself. VYVYAN, NEIL and MIKE each raise their glasses and clink them together. RICK wakes up, rubbing his eyes. _

RICK: What in the bloody hell is going on?

_Most of them ignore RICK._

NEIL: You should have seen it, Rick! A girl actually asked me to dance! A real, actual girl! She wasn't bad looking, either. It was amazing!

RICK: _sarcastically of course_ Well good for you! Just bloody fantastic!

NEIL: And what about what happened next? Woah…

_NEIL remembers back to the night when they left the nightclub. Things become all fuzzy…_

**Scene 13**

_STACEY is unlocking the door to her apartment. She and NEIL walk inside, kissing and stuff. They lean against the wall beside the door to her bedroom. (OK! OK! I know this is really, really super gross and that you're probably all cringing like hell, because, well, it's Neil! Anyway, I felt the need to pause this story in order to officially apologise to all readers for this scene. But as horrible as this part is, it's relevant to the story. I'm not just writing gross parts like this for enjoyment. Now that would be really bad! Besides, nothing much happens in this scene anyway, as you'll find out later on. So don't worry, it's not gonna be this really full-on thing or anything. Hmmm… I better continue this scene…). She gently pushes NEIL away and holds him at an arms length._

STACEY: Wait. Stay here. I'll be but a moment, my love.

_She opens to door to her bedroom and disappears inside, closing the door. When she's gone, NEIL jumps up and down with a big grin on his face. He then does a little victory dance. Not long afterwards, STACEY emerges from the bedroom wearing sexy lingerie. She leads him inside. She and NEIL lie down on the bed and start kissing and making out basically, I don't want go into much detail… Anyway, things are getting a bit hot and heavy, and Stacey starts trying to take NEIL's sweatshirt off. (Aahh! Bad images!) NEIL stops her._

NEIL: Wait, I'll be back in a minute.

_NEIL goes into her ensuite and closes the door. Inside the ensuite, he is panting heavily and holding his heart. He looks really freaked out._

NEIL: Oh no, this is all so sudden. Everything is happening too fast. What would my mother say? _Gasps _…I can't do this.

_He climbs out the bathroom window and escapes. Things become all fuzzy once more..._

**Scene 14**

_Returns to present time, NEIL is remembering with a big smile on his face._

NEIL: Yeah…

RICK: Well Neil, the idea of you getting up to any mischief with a girl is quite unbelievable, let alone completely repulsive! Either you're making this up or the people down here are seriously koo-koo!

NEIL: No Rick, just drunk.

RICK: Yeah, BLIND drunk by the sounds of it! _Snorts at his own joke_ How this entire thing started anyway is anyone's guess…

NEIL: Well, she just came up to and asked me to dance and I said, "Okay."

RICK: Bastard!

NEIL: So, Mike, Vyv, did you, you know, too, last night?

MIKE: _Puts his arm around NEIL's shoulders_ Neil, my dear friend, you must understand that when a girl meets me, it's natural. They're only human and they're following their instincts.

NEIL: How about you, Vyv?

VYVYAN: Oh, yeah, sure.

NEIL: Hey, come to think of it, Rick, you must be pretty jealous…

RICK: Me, jealous? Ha! I know you're just saying it to try and impress me. I won't fall for your lies and schemes. Besides, I've done it all before, it's nothing new to me.

_The rest of them exchange disbelieving looks. _

MIKE: Oh yeah, I forget to tell you, Rick. We're going out, again.

_MIKE, VYVYAN and NEIL all walk towards the door and open it._

RICK: You're going out again? Already? You bastards! I can't believe how you're rejecting me! Well, your true colours are really shinning through and I never thought you could be so cruel! Some friends you are!

MIKE: Firstly Rick, we're not your friends…

_Suddenly VYVYAN shuts the door in front of him and turns around. He approaches RICK._

VYVYAN: _smiles pleasantly_ C'mon, Rick. What kind of friends would we be if we left you here in your state of sickness, while we ran around and had fun?

RICK: Well… _grins bashfully, flattered._

VYVYAN: Lousy ones! That's why we're leaving! Goodbye Rick!

_VYVYAN, MIKE and NEIL walk out the door, closing it behind them._

RICK: Bastards!

**Scene 14**

_VYVYAN, MIKE and NEIL are standing at a ticket outlet for an amusement park. Behind the ticket outlet is a common middle-aged woman chewing gum._

Lady behind the ticket outlet: 80 dollars, please.

MIKE: Hey… _glances at her name tag_ Kimberly. Did anyone ever tell you that you have the most beautiful smile? One smile and you just light up the world, baby.

_Camera zooms in on lady behind the ticket outlet. She has a sour look on her face as she chews her gum._

MIKE: Hey, here's 10 cents _lays down 10 c_ and let's see what we can work out, if you know what I mean. _Winks_ You know what I'm saying, baby. Let us pass through and Mike promises he'll show you a good time.

_MIKE begins to walk towards confidently. The lady grabs his arm._

Lady behind the ticket outlet: Don't piss about with me, boy! Just hand over the 80 dollars!

MIKE: _hesitates for a moment_ RUN!

_MIKE, VYVYAN and NEIL all run off into the amusement park, leaping over various objects._

Lady behind the ticket outlet: Hey, come back here!

**Scene 15**

_MIKE, VYVYAN and NEIL are wandering around the amusement park._

VYVYAN: _pointing _Oh, wow! Look at the size of that…

NEIL: Sshh! Vyvyan!

VYVYAN: I'm talking about a rollercoaster, Neil.

NEIL: Oh, that's alright then.

MIKE: Wow, that looks like a pretty sweet rollercoaster!

NEIL: Yeah, but look at the line. It'll be hours and hours we get to the front.

_Pause_

MIKE: Guys, I've got a plan! Neil, you mind our spot and we'll go off and have fun until you get to the front of the line.

NEIL: Oh, floppy discs.

**Scene 16**

_Meanwhile, RICK is still lying on the couch at the hotel. He looks frustrated and bored. _

RICK: I can't take this anymore! This is so boring! I've read my Cosmo from cover to cover 15 times! Well, that's it. I don't care how sick I feel. I'm going out!

_He stands up and walks over to the door._

**Scene 17**

_RICK is walking aimlessly along the street, still wearing his pyjamas. After a while, he finds a beach and walks over to it._

RICK: _walks out onto the sand_ Well, maybe at the beach I'll find I can have a good time and perhaps pick up a few birds as well _snorts._

_A girl walks past him. She is completely naked._

RICK: _wide-eyed and in shock_ Woah!

_A totally naked bloke then walks past him. RICK doesn't look very impressed. As RICK looks around, he suddenly realises he has stumbled into a nude beach. JERZI BALLOWSKI then approaches him. He is also completely naked._

JERZI BALLOWSKI: Hello, young lad. So you like nude beaches too, eh? I come here once a year to get a nice, even tan.

_RICK is in too much shock to respond._

JERZI BALLOWSKI: So are you enjoying your holiday?

_RICK runs away, screaming. He runs across the road and very nearly gets run over, but an attractive young girl (SAMANTHA) jumps in just in time and rolls him to safety. She is dressed in a similar fashion to Rick normally – the political activist look. _

SAMANTHA: Wow, are you okay? You should try to be more careful!

RICK: _dazed _God?

SAMANTHA: No, it's Samantha. Are you okay, mate?

RICK: Yes I am, now that you're here…

_SAMANTHA looks at him strangely. Rick suddenly snaps out of it. _

RICK: I mean, yes, yes, I'm fine! Thankyou! _Jumps up and brushes himself off._

SAMANTHA: Do you realise that you were nearly run over, mate?

RICK: _Holding his head _No. All I can remember is the landlord's naked body…

Angry drivers: Watch where you're going, idiot kids!

SAMANTHA: _To the angry drivers _Piss off, you air-polluting Nazis! _Turns to RICK_ You're very lucky I saved you just in time!

RICK: Yes, well, thanks. _Looks at her and realises how pretty she is_ Wow, you really are a smashing bird… What did you say your name was?

SAMANTHA:_ Giggles _Samantha. But just call me "Sam." Are you feeling alright? Is there anyway I can help you? Why are you in your pyjamas?

RICK: _Holding his head_ I don't know. It's all so confusing.

_SAMANTHA puts an arm around him and helps him walk down the street._

SAMANTHA: So what's your name?

RICK: Wick :)

SAMANTHA: Rick, huh? _Pause_ Oh crap! I just remembered! I forgot to tape that Cliff Richard special on ABC!

_RICK is suddenly struck with thought. _

RICK: _Curiously _Sam, do you like Cliff Richard?

SAMANTHA: Are you kidding? I LOVE Cliff Richard!

RICK: Oh my God, I love Cliff Richard too!

SAMANTHA: Oh wow, this is so exciting! I don't come across many people my age who like him.

RICK: Well, they're just fascists!

SAMANTHA: Cliff's a legend! His songs have really got something to say!

RICK: Yeah, unlike the mumbo jumbo these days!

SAMANTHA: Lousy bums!

RICK: Cliff will always be the total and utter king of rock n' roll!

SAMANTHA: Yeah! Right on!

_Moment of Silence. RICK is staring at SAMANTHA._

SAMANTHA: What?

RICK: Oh, nothing. It's just that, you're the most amazing person I've ever met.

_SAMANTHA smiles._

**Scene 18**

_Clips of MIKE and VYVYAN having fun on various amusement park rides. There's no sound, but zany music of some description. There's a clip which shows MIKE and VYVYAN talking up two girls; they obviously say something rude and this results in them both getting a slap in the face. Another clip is of VYVYAN and MIKE on a Merry-go-round. VYVYAN is throwing back bottles of alcohol and giving the two-fingered salute to passers-by._

5 HOURS AFTER MIKE and VYVYAN LEFT NEIL…

_MIKE and VYVYAN approach NEIL who is nearly at the front of the line, they are both eating Dagwood dogs. NEIL looks even more depressed than usual. _

NEIL: So you finally decide come back after leaving me standing here for 5 hours.

VYVYAN: Oh don't be such a killjoy, Neil! It must been pretty fun standing in this line! You should be thankful that we let you have the unbelievably exciting task of waiting in a line for 5 hours, you lucky, lucky bastard! Fun and excitement like that doesn't come along every day! Why, I'm green with envy!

MIKE: Vyv's right, Neil. You're very fortunate.

NEIL: Whatever you say, guys.

_After a short while, the three of them are finally let onto the rollercoaster. The rollercoaster is really loopy and fast and really scary and full-on. VYVYAN looks excited, NEIL looks terrified and MIKE, as always, looks cool and unaffected. _

**Scene 19**

_After the roller coaster's over: NEIL is vomiting into a bin, VYVYAN is vomiting onto the concrete (though he looks happy) - a couple of little kids slip on the vomit and fall into it, and MIKE is just standing around, cleaning his sunglasses._

NEIL:_ with his head in the bin _Oh wow, this is really heavy!

VYVYAN:_ after he finished vomiting_ Wow, that was brilliant! Let's go on it again!

NEIL:_ lifts his head, looks terrified at the thought of going on it again _Noooo!

MIKE: As much as I usually hate to agree with Neil, I have to agree with Neil on this one. That thing was far too frightening! And I didn't enjoy getting thrown up on by those old people.

VYVYAN: _bitterly_ Poof!

**Scene 20**

_Living room at hotel; all four Young Ones are sitting around on the couch. _

RICK: Well, I'm glad you had a good time after you left poor sick little me alone at the hotel. Not! Well anyway, I'm not about to bicker about it with you lot, because right now I'm in a pleasantly good mood. Well, as you already know, I left the hotel while you were out and stumbled into a nude beach and freaked out after seeing the landlord naked. But then that horrible event was followed by something beautiful… I fell in love.

_MIKE, VYVYAN and NEIL exchange worried glances._

VYVYAN: With the landlord?

RICK: No, of course not! You see, after I saw the landlord, I ran across the road and very nearly got run over!

VYVYAN: _whispering_ Damn it!

RICK: But luckily, I was saved by the beautiful girl. And as we talked, we found we had so much in common. We're both Cliff Richard fans, we're both anarchists and we're both political activists. Gosh, we discussed Cliff and politics for hours…

VYVYAN: Glad I wasn't there to hear! I think I woulda killed myself!

RICK: _Ignoring VYVYAN_ It was beautiful and special and we really fell in love. This is the real thing, I can feel it! Her name is Samantha and tomorrow, we'll be going on a romantic picnic and everything will be just perfect.

VYVYAN: Oh God, I think I'm gonna throw up!

**Scene 21**

_RICK and SAMANTHA are sitting together sitting on a rug on a grassy hill beside a pond. There's a picnic basket. Ducks are swimming around in the pond._

RICK: Sam, I wrote a poem for you. Wanna hear it?

SAMANTHA: Of course.

_RICK takes a piece a crumbled paper out of his pocket._

RICK: _Reading_

Oh Samantha,

Oh beautiful, sweet Samantha

I want your pants-a

Your breath smells like flowers

We love to talk for hours

I love you, Samantha.

SAMANTHA: Aw, how sweet. I wrote one for you, too. Wanna hear it?

RICK: Sure, go on.

_SAMANTHA also takes a piece a crumbled paper out of his pocket._

SAMANTHA: _Reading_

Oh Rick,

I don't think you're a prick

You're a clever stick

Kind of a like a brick

But not really

Please don't give me the flick

Cause I'm lovesick.

RICK: Aw, that was beautiful!

SAMANTHA: _bashfully _You think so? It only took me 8 hours to write.

RICK: Absolutely! It was brilliant!

SAMATHA: So do you wanna through bread crumbs to the ducks now?

RICK: I'd love to, Smoochy Woochy.

SAMANTHA: Whatever you say, my little honeybee.

_RICK and SAMANTHA then start kissing. Screen freezes after a few seconds and VYVYAN appears onto the scene._

VYVYAN: Time out! Time out! This is disgusting and I refuse to put up with anymore of this! I mean, it's Rick! C'mon! So look, if you don't stop this within 5 seconds, I am gonna throw up all over the set and I'm not joking!

_The scene unfreezes. RICK and SAMANTHA continue to kiss for longer than 5 seconds. _

VYVYAN: All right, that's it!

_VYVYAN starts vomiting everywhere. He walks off the set, but you can still hear him vomiting. _(Okay, I realise there's a lot of vomit in this story!)

NEIL's voice: Aw Vyv! You got vomit all down my best flares! Well… my only flares…

VYVYAN's voice: Oh put a sock in it, Neil!

NEIL's voice: I would, but they're too smelly.

**Scene 22**

_Painfully sweet images of RICK and SAMANTHA together with romantic music playing: running barefoot along the beach; on a Ferris wheel sharing a stick of fairy floss; camping out in a tent and toasting marshmallows on a stick; at the park – RICK pushing SAMANTHA on the swing, RICK at the top of the slide, he pushes a little kid off that's in front of him and slides down, RICK on one of those little springy dolphin things you sit on that go back and forth (yay!), the little kid RICK pushed off the play equipment going to his parents, crying, and the parents getting really pissed off and running after RICK and SAMANTHA, yelling and fists waving; SAMANTHA tucking RICK into bed and reading him a bedtime story. _

**Scene 23**

_Living room at hotel; all four Young Ones are sitting around on the couch (again)._

RICK: Hasn't this been a terrific holiday? You've been going out and getting drunk every night and Sam and I are inseparable.

VYVYAN: Well if you two are so inseparable, then where is she now?

RICK: She went down to the shops to get some fish 'n chips. Strange, it's been at least 4 hours since she said that.

MIKE: Maybe she found a handsome stranger in the street and has decided to run away with him! _Laughs at his own joke._

RICK: _Clearly not amused, although he looks worried that maybe what Mike said be true and there's a tone of anxiety in his voice_ Oh, very funny!

_The phone rings. It continues to ring for a while no one moves. _

RICK: Well, Neil, what are you waiting for? Answer the phone.

_NEIL moans as he gets up and answers the phone. He listens to the person on the other line for a few seconds. _

NEIL: Oh, right. See ya. _Puts the phone down. Turns to the rest of the guys. _Well guys, doesn't look like will ever be getting those fish 'n chips.

RICK: _Suddenly very worried_ Why? Is it Sam? Tell me! Is something the matter with her?

NEIL: Well, one – the fish 'n chips shop has closed down. Two – Sam was hit by a bus and died.

_The rest of the guys jump up from their seats in shock._

RICK and MIKE and VYVYAN: What!

RICK: This cannot be! My Sam… dead. Oh God, why does this always happen to me! Whenever I get close to anyone, they just die. That's why you guys are still alive! First it was my best friend at school, then my parents and now beautiful little Sammy! (Let's just pretend the boys didn't die at the end of Summer Holiday, okay?) _Sighs_ My one and only true love, Sam, gone forever… This is all your fault, Neil!

NEIL: What! How is this my fault?

RICK: Who answered the phone? I believe it was you. If you had not answered that phone, Sam would never have died. So it's your fault! You stupid, ugly hippie! I hate you, Neil! You stink! You're ugly! You're boring!

NEIL: Stop it, man. Right. Just stop. Shut up, Rick. Just shut up right. Shut up! Shut up! Just shut up!

_NEIL is saying this whilst RICK's carrying on. Suddenly NEIL slaps RICK across the face. Silence…_

RICK: _Voice eerily calm._ A realization just hit me. Yes, everything is clear now. All the pieces of the puzzle are coming together. Neil, I'm sorry. Please forgive me for treating you so badly over the years.

NEIL: Ah, he's scaring me! Help me, Vyv! _Takes some steps backwards._

RICK: Don't be afraid, Neil. We're as close as brothers, you and I. I just want to patch everything up. C'mon, let me give you a hug. _Walks towards Neil, arms outstretched._

_NEIL is walking backwards, screaming. He hides behind VYVYAN. _

RICK: What is all this silliness?

VYVYAN: This should fix him.

_VYVYAN pulls the infamous cricket bat out of nowhere and hits RICK over the head with it. RICK immediately falls unconscious. _

VYVYAN: He'll be back to his old self by the time he wakes up.

NEIL: Thank heavens for that!

_Ending Credits with spazzy music_

_Ending Credits finish. They are back at their old flat in London. RICK is sitting by himself at the kitchen table, looking depressed. He lets out a deep sigh. VYVYAN comes over. _

VYVYAN: It was a good holiday, wasn't it?

RICK: _sadly_ Yes, I suppose.

VYVYAN: You still moaning over that girl?

RICK: I think I can learn to get on with my life, but Sam, _looks up to the ceiling as if speaking to her from beyond _you'll always be in my heart.

VYVYAN: Don't worry, Rick. There's plenty more fish in the sea… Though that'll probably be the only one who will find you attractive, but still.

RICK: I suppose so. And I've still got my Cosmopolitan.

_RICK pulls out his Cosmopolitan with a big smile on his face. He brightens up as he begins to read. VYVYAN pulls RICK's chair out from underneath him, steals his magazine and runs up the stairs. RICK struggles to get up._

RICK: My magazine!

**The End**

-----So how was that? Please review! Constructive criticism and honest feedback much appreciated, but nothing nasty. Even if you review just to say "Hi", that would be good… Thank you for your time.


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